Today's Good-Bye: Day 3

It felt like an egg was stuck in my butt for most of the day. The abscess also felt pinchy and disagreeable. Not a pleasant day down below.

I pondered how I should be able to remember this surgery date because it is the 25th anniversary of the big eruption of Mt. St. Helens. I don't recall the exact dates of my previous operations. I know that my first surgery was in July and I think it was on a Friday. It was either the 20th or 27th. Then my first reconnection surgery was in January 1991, and that date escapes me entirely. It was after the 20th of the month.

My second round of surgeries, I think it was June 5th in 1995, and the reconnection surgery was in August. I have no idea when in August. It didn't seem all that important to remember the date. But with this date, I have a memory connection to something else and so I can't see ever forgetting it. (Knock on wood)

My education over the past year has emphasized tracking my internal emotional state and to feel what is going on within my body. I have a lot of anxiety squeezing inside of my guts. I'm curious why I feel so anxious and I have to answer that the "thing" I dread/fear the most is the pain. Pain medication can only do so much. I recall how a simple cough can turn into a horrible experience in which it feels like everything is going to rupture inside of me.

I also feel myself wanting to check out, to not feel because to truly feel would mean that I have to admit that my butt is about to be closed up. Going numb is a defense mechanism. I'm struggling to remain connected to my body, to feel the anxiety, to let the butterflies flutter, to know the nervousness that electrically dances throughout my body.

It may sound contradictory, but I also feel peaceful even though I have the anxiety/nervousness. The fluttering is at one layer in my body, the peace is at the core. Now to only integrate the two!