Rant About a C'Ville Post

The following is my rant in regard to a thread running on C'Ville. I have taken the post rather personally, along with some of the responses the member received. The topic hits too close to the bone. You can skip this if you like. If you get triggered by what I write, then let's politely discuss it.

I've been debating whether or not to post what has been on my mind in response to Kellie's original post. My interpretation of the responses given have been that no one has really read her "whine", but instead has taken it as a personal reason to lament all of the housework a mother is laden with, and how children don't and should assist in helping out the mother.

Kellie's post begins by saying that it was the brother-in-law who started the argument, with her sister (the BIL's wife) backing him up, and then the younger brother joining in. She didn't mention her mother joining in with these three family members; rather the mother comforted her daughter saying she felt the amount of housework she contributed was fine. Kellie admitted she could do more, and that she also felt that no one notices the housework she does do. Above all she felt upset that the only way in her family to have merit was based upon the amount of housework a person does.

I'm going to make the assumption that the reason the BIL and sister started this arugment really has nothing to do with the contributions that Kellie makes to the housework, but is instead a projection onto her for perhaps the lack of housework these two are guilty of? No one cared to see that; instead the consensus in responses was that Kellie should do more housework. She admitted she realizes she could do more.

The deeper issue really isn't about the housework, but is about power in the family, who holds it and wields it. The BIL (Kellie wrote he considers himself King) is taking on the role of the Alpha male, and his wife (Kellie's sister) seems to have more authority and weight then her mother. For all we know, the BIL and sister are having marital troubles and are just taking it out in the form of bitching that nobody does any housework. It eases some of the tension between them, deflecting it so that they don't have to really address what is going on.

What other points were overlooked was that the sister is demanding or insisting that Kellie give up her own life to be the babysitter of her sister's child. Nobody came forward and said how wrong this is! If the sister is going to have a child, and she has a husband in the picture, why didn't anyone give the advice that it is the mother's (Kellie's sister) responsibility to provide care for her child, and not her siblings?!?!

The sister needs to face up to the fact that she either needs to become a SAHM, put the kid in daycare, find a babysitter, or financially compensate her sister at the going rate that an outsider would receive. No and's, if's or but's about it---when one family member uses another in this fashion it only creates animosity, hurt feelings, and the kind of trouble that no one wants.

Since everyone put their personal spin on this, making it into a call for tea and sympathy for the plight of mothers, I'd like to add my perspective to this situation.

As a woman who has chosen not to have children, I will never have to worry about a messy child's bedroom or whether or not they have done the dishes like I've asked them to, or ground them for not doing their chores. Instead I get to enjoy doing the majority of the housework (even though I'm only cleaning for "just two people and five cats) myself. My husband's contributions are the typical manly duties of taking the trash out on garbage day and mowing the lawn in the spring and summer (if I don't do it first). Though I ask him to bring up the laundry, it always take a couple of reminders and eventually I do it myself. Less chances of starting an argument that way.

I actually envy the women who have children because it seems that kids are viewed as internal housecleaners. Sure, you may have to bitch and threaten your offspring to clean up, but don't miss the fact you have the help (when they are old enough)! The only way I'll ever have help with housework is if I can afford a maid--and I doubt that I'll be in that position anytime soon. (One of the myths about kid-free couples that I detest is that we have more disposable income. Not always true.)

I am adding the following to show where I am coming from in my support of Kellie's situation, for I find that it sounds a lot like my own. (I am making this assumption, I could be wrong.) My point is to share the hard facts of my own youth, with the hope to shed insight on this situation.

* * * *
I left home at 17 and married. It lasted only a year and I returned to live at home with my mother. The time I stayed at home before moving out again was insane. I paid my mother rent, bought my own food, gas, clothing, and paid for my car insurance, but she still expected me to be her built-in babysitter! I was not allowed to have any social life that would interfere with her work schedule or my brother's school schedule. This meant if I attend college it had to comply with these hours. I was not permitted to get a job because she bemoaned that she'd have to hire a babysitter, and she simply wasn't going to do that when she had me!

On top of it, I was still required not only to clean up after myself, but she and my brother as well. My worth and value was judged by the amount of housework that I did in a day and how much I sacrificed my life in deference to hers. (If you think she sacrificed for me, consider this: When I was 8 years old and sick in the hospital she wouldn't take time off from work to be with me. She didn't want to give up her job. Prior to my hospitalization, she kept me home alone to care for myself even though I was sick. My family didn't need the income her job provided as my father's wages were more than adequate to allow her to be a SAHM.)

I was allowed one day of freedom every two weeks, when my brother would go to visitation with my father. During this 24 hour break I could do as I pleased, otherwise I was "the nanny" who paid my mother for the priviledge of being so!

The reason I put up with it for so long is I didn't have enough money to support my own apartment/utilities (I paid my mom $250 to live in her house) and it was more important to me to go to college, even if I was extremely limited in what classes I could take do to having to comply with everyone's life but my own. I didn't stay living there for too long, I last only a year before moving out and moving on.
* * * *

What do I think Kellie should do? It's hard to say, as I can only assume what your circumstances are. From my personal experience, going to college or acquiring some kind of training, education, or skill, is the best route to take for being able to live on your own. Think long and hard before you get married and especially before you commit to having children. You can always divorce a husband, but you can't divorce your children. And housework is always going to be a part of life, no matter what!