PTSD & Amputation

I'd like to revist if I may my entry about how I surmise I might have a twinge of PTSD. What makes me feel that I may is that one of the key symptoms is a persistent feeling of helplessness. Bingo! I'd call it more of a residual feeling, as the memories I have from this past summer are nothing but feeling helpless. Rationale: If you can't get up to get yourself a drink or go to the bathroom, that's helplessness. Not being able to get dressed, etc. You get the picture.

While I am able to do these tasks now, I have this "fear" that everything will go south and I'll wind up back on the futon wishing that I was anywhere, anywhen but in that moment. I think that is where a lot of my anxiety resides is in the "what-if-I-relapse-and-I'm-helpless-again" thoughts that I try to beat away with a stick, yet they come around anyhow. Yeah, I know, don't dwell on what isn't, and live in the NOW, but I feel so hesitant to pick up the reigns of life when I feel such uncertainty. As demonstrated by the immense unstanding and caring attitude of my faculty (NOT!!), I fear that if I relapse they will just ask me not to continue with the program. There was one administrator who got very angry at me because I had cost the university money due to my cancelling two modules (as if I had control). In retrospect I should have said, "I'm sure the university can write that off on their taxes, or have some other form of absorbing the loss. I really don't sympathize with you considering my husband took off three weeks of work without pay and that set us back considerably."

Noricum reminded me of something I read in my introductory packet from the ostomates' society newsletter, that technically I am an amputee. They call it "intestinal amputee" to be precise. Only I won't have phantom limb pains. I have experienced a phantom anal pain recently in which I swear I could actually use that orifice of exit, but it passed in less than 30 seconds. It was weird while it lasted.

I decided to resume the gabapentin (Neurontin) as it can act as a mood leveler. It would be nice to have a more even keel in my head. It may also help with some of my lingering nerve pain. If only I could receive a little talk therapy to boot, but that is not as easy to acquire since funding and availability of mental health care is scarce where I live. I'm not sure what good talking about it would do as blogging is just as good, and all a therapist/counselor will do is reassure me that others go through similar feelings in similar situations, and I just need to gain confidence and let time pass.

What I really want is a freakin' magic wand that will restore my energy to 100%, allowing me to get back into the full swing of life. No pill or psychological therapy delivers that. I will have to do it the old-fashioned way, and earn it.