Mini-Module 4

It's that time of year for me to think about finishing up the odds and ends from my first year at LIOS. I have to make up all of Mini-Module 4. If you miss one day you have to make up the entire weekend of classes because that's they way things are. So I've got my room booked and I'll be spending April 21-23 doing that. I wish I could recall what this module was about. I had a very bad cold and was in a foggy frame of mind.

I will also be meeting the new to me first year students whom I will join in the fall as second year students. Confused yet? You should be. I'm technically a second year student, they are first years. But together we'll be second years come September. Actually, I won't be much of anything if I can't manage to acquire an internship.

Then I get to repeat all of Module 7. I dread this. I dread this with a passion because I will have to face again my former first year now second year classmates. The very same people who weren't there for me when I was terribly sick last summer. The very same people who would wax poetic on how they longed to help people in need, but just who in the fuck did they have in mind when they spoke about helping others? Did they mean paying clients? When presented with someone within their own community they ignored the call.

I'm still scratching my head over why this group did virtually nothing. OK, a handful of them got together bought me a get well card and signed it. In comparison, people with whom I've only interacted with online via their blogs and C'Ville called me, send e-mails to the hospital, and many of you sent more than just cards. I'm sure if some of you lived near me you would have made house calls.

I'm befuddled by how my former classmates who are going into the helping/caring professional field could be so negligent and thoughtless. It's like I didn't exist! When I did express my need for help from them, posting it on the group's bulletin board, all I got back were responses that read like this: "I think it's really great you can express what your needs are. I couldn't do that. I hope you are feeling better soon." WTF kind of response it that?!?!?! I can tell you: it is a sad-ass lame one!

OK, benefit of doubt, my former classmates have had a full year of growth and development. Perhaps now they will be different, but I don't want to sit and have that conversation with them in which I say what's my beef and they respond back with the program's party line of "I'm so glad you can state your emotions and what's bothering you." Or my other least favorite, "This is about you, not me." The reasoning being on that one still stumps me. Yes, it is about me and you are my problem. Don't worm out of it by making it appear that you are not involved and a co-creator of the situation.

All I can say is, I've got a TON of rage at them and I don't really want to show up at this module and unleash my fury on them because that isn't a good way to say hello after not seeing them for a year, but if I somehow don't calm down I'm likely to just vomit out all of the emotions instead of being cordial. I think the best thing to do is contact one of the program leaders and talk to her about my emotional state and get some guidance from her about it. Perhaps something can be set up in one of the days of module in which I have a talk with my former classmates. There will be crying, there will be tears—at least on my part. Never before have I wanted to say this to a group of people, but I really want to proclaim to them: Shame on you! You knew better and didn't do better!