What the Disclaimer Should Really Say

I don't watch regular TV very often, but the other day Pooky and I were watching The Simpsons or something and a Burger King commercial came on promoting their new Texas Double Whopper and the theme of this commercial had to do with a bunch of modern-day guys tired of "chic" food, and they proceeded to stage a 1970s-like feminist rebellion against all of the "healthier" fast food choices. There is a scene in the commercial where the guys tip over a vehicle and a disclaimer flashes on the bottom of the screen: DO NOT ATTEMPT.

I suppose if you are crazy enough to eat this double whopper of death, then maybe you do need to be told not to tip over vehicles. But I was thinking a step further. What BK should also tell these young men who are in need of showing their maniless through the over consumption of calories and fat is this: A king-sized meal consisting of the said double whopper of death, fries, and regular Coke weighs in at 1,980 calories! The standard allotment of calories for a man is about 2,000-2,500 per DAY, not per MEAL. I won't even discuss the fat percentage.

OK, so the typical guy won't care about calories. Only women count calories. Yeah, but what are they going to do when they get adult onset diabetes or heart disease or heaven forbid, both, and then suffer from erectile dysfunction? Will they want to sue Burger King for selling them food that (they chose to ate) made their dick limp? Will the BK commercials in ten years show the same men, now morbidly obese, promoting healthier food so that they might actually have sex without the need for Viagra?

Or am I missing the entire point—that being since there are drugs like Viagra it doesn't matter what is eaten because a pill will rescue us. Everyone supposedly profits in the end, even the lowly consumer, but I think it is a false benefit.

I'm not against fast food. As I'm typing this I've eaten a cheeseburger and fries from my favorite local joint, but I don't order the mega-burger of death. It could be that I need to be a guy to understand the need to eat a double whopper of death. All I know is, if I had a penis I'd do what I needed to to keep it working!