How Much Am I Worth?

Last night I was devoting some time to the topic of my mother as I tried to fall asleep. I haven't spoken to her since last April. She hasn't attempted to contact me, either. It wasn't that there was a major event that led to the non-communication, unless I consider all of the year since my birth culminating into a major event. I have grown tired of her behavior and even though I strongly suspect she has borderline personality disorder, I have still grown tired of her behavior and having to deal with her.

Yet, I know that eventually I will have to deal with her. I do want to deal with her. I want to say something to her, only when I try to "get clear" on what I want to say there's a flood gate that opens and I could keep saying to her for quite a long time.

There is one issue I keep returning to. When I was dealing with the complications from my surgery in 2005 I had a conversation with her in which she told me that she "wouldn't lose her house" to assist me in any way. She had informed me of this before when I was a teenager and dealing with my illness troubles back then.

I estimate that if she sold her house she could get $250,000 for it. She might even be able to eke out $275,000, but only if she invested in taking care of some of the problems the house has. Be that as it may, what this tells me is she considers me to be worth under $250,000.

Well, this got me to thinking. Just how much have I cost in medical expenses during my lifetime? Obviously to keep me alive there has been a lot of money spent to provide me with surgeries, medical supplies, hospitalizations, etc. I tried to figure out how much it has all added up to be over the years.

My best estimate is that some where in the neighborhood of $1 million dollars has been spent to keep me alive. My estimate is based only upon hospitalizations and major medical procedures and known amounts for prescriptions. I made my best guesses for operations and additional minor procedures. Even if I am not very close to the actual amount, the reality is: It has cost a sizable chunk of money to keep me functional and alive.

In realizing how my medical care over the years equates into "real dollars" I feel a bit special—that I am worth at least 4 of my mother's homes. I say this all tongue-in-cheek because we all know that the real value of someone's life is like the ending of those MasterCard commercials: priceless. And that's the point my mother doesn't get in all of this.

What I've tried to do is reframe the issue and put a different perspective on how to look at the situation. How do I convey to someone like her the impact she has had on my life, when she is the type of person who is oblivious to how she impacts another person? What frustrates and saddens me is that I do not know how to communicate to her all that I think and feel so that she will hear me.

Bottom line also for me is: She is not someone that I would consider being friends with. If I had no biological relationship to her she would not be someone I would be friends with. Though we share commonalities, I doubt we'd ever discover what they are because how she shows up and presents herself is not what attracts or interests me in wanting to get to know another person. And yet I know I cannot escape her because I carry within me part of her genes.