September 2007 Archives

Am-I-Dumb.com - Are you dumb?

What can I say other than I work in the mental health field and I need to be very drug savvy?

NameThatDrug.com - Test your drug knowledge

As for the dumbness quiz, I did need to calculate out the conversions for the meters as I don't have the brain power to work it out in my head. Somehow I do recall the conversion rates (all of those years in the hard sciences have had some kind of impact on me).

The job offer for Yakima was given to someone else. There could be a million reasons behind the scenes that we don't know about as to why John wasn't given the job. I'd like to think positively about those reasons. I have trust and faith that things will work themselves out as they are supposed to, that everything will settle into place.

One thing that I hunch that could be contributing is that neither of us have a very clear sense of the future and what it is that we want. Being open is a good thing, but I think the universe requires a little more sense of direction from us before that nebulous sense of everything can fall into alignment.

Based upon my experience of things falling into place, they only fell into place once I had a distinct sense about what it was that I wanted to do. And I have no strong sense of what I want to do. I have stronger senses of what I don't want to do. I don't like figuring out what I want to do as a result of knowing what I don't want to do. Seems like that is not a very certain or determine or passionate way to make a decision.

I wonder what the future holds

Last week I wrote about divorcing and not knowing where life will take me or us. Many of you expressed your heartfelt thoughts, and I appreciate your words. I'm touched to know that so many of you care and empathize with the situation. It has been a difficult period--the uncertainty, the emotional depletion, the planning--while still trying to carry on with everyday life and get it all done. Much is in a state of transition. Much seems to be dependent upon John being promoted and moving to Yakima. Much is dependent on the house selling for a reasonable price and selling quickly. A lot is hinged upon things taking place that, what control we might have and what influence we might exert, has been offered up to the universe. We are now in the position to sit back and see what transpires. John interviewed for the promotion in Yakima. He should know soon if he will be offered the position.

I think I need time and space alone in which to be able to "think clearly", so even if the promotion doesn't go through, selling the house will allow us to spend time living apart. Both of us have realized we need to go to individual counseling. The outcome of that individual counseling may influence whether or not we work on the marriage. Sometimes we talk of still having a future together, but for me it still remains uncertain. I need to find my heart in this and understand the path that I want to travel and the implications of that path.

I recognize that I'm in a place in my life where being in a marriage is not what I want or need. Being in any kind of romantic relationship at this time is not what I need. My focus and passion lies in my work and if there would be any direction I would take it would be to establish myself in my career and begin the steps to become a foster parent. I am acquiring the tools and skills for parenting and I am motivated to take on the commitment of foster caring for kids. This path is far more appealing to me than finding a soulmate or life partner. My view on having such a person in my life is that "they would be in my way" of accomplishing what I want to do in regard to career and foster parenting.

I have faith that everything will fall into place when it needs to. Life unfurls each moment and I'm along for the ride. Whatever will be, will be.

I've been entering doilies into the Puyallup Fair since 2004. This time I scored a first place after much frustration of being awarded 2nd, 3rd, and honorable mentions. This year's other entries didn't provide much competition--at least that is how the other doilies appeared.

What is ironic about my entering this doily is that it was a last-minute decision. When I made this doily over the winter I really wasn't thinking about it being put into the fair, since it was bumpy and too complicated and too colorful. The doily I had wanted to enter into the competition didn't get completed in time, so I used this one as a back-up.

I'm still hankering to win Grand Champion, but for this year I'm pleased to finally be awarded a blue ribbon. I think that this doily is by far my best work that I've ever done. I think I'm going to mount and frame it.

The doily is Momentous Occasion from Patricia Kristoffersen's Ultimate Doilies. The thread is Olympus size 40 thread in a variegated pink and lavender. It measures about 11 inches in diameter. I do not know how many hours it took for me to make this doily as I worked on it for awhile then it went into hibernation and then I resumed working on it a couple of months later.

I can attest that there are two rounds on this doily that were a real challenge to patience and skill! It is difficult to explain what the stitch is like other than I use the metaphor that it requires a "liquid hook" to accomplish.

As the saying goes, "The cobbler's children go barefoot"

The irony of it all is, here I've spent the past 3 years of my life to become a marriage and family therapist, and yet my own marriage has reached "completition" (what a nice positive reframe). What does "completition" mean? It's just a nice way of saying "divorce". Divorce has acquired a particular connotation that has a lot of negativity surrounding it--not to deny that a marriage ending is a positive and happy event. It is not; it is arrived at after much pain and sorrow, grieving and mourning all of the hopes and dreams and visions of a lifelong future that will never manifest, never be realized with the one person that you had hoped would be there to share your life with.

Maybe my becoming a marriage and family therapist (though I consider myself a child and family therapist since I don't do couples counseling) has nothing to do with the success or failure of being married. Physicians still die from heart disease, still die from cancer, and surely die from all of those other preventable diseases that everyone else is subject to. Just because one is a trained and educated physician doesn't preclude them from dying like the rest of us. Likewise, my being educated and trained as a "relationship expert" doesn't mean that I will be an expert in my own relationships. Yet, I am feel highly ineffective as a therapist as a result. I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel like a success either.

But success and failure are relative terms. And they have to be considered in the context in which they are in existence. Since a marriage is all about being in a partnership and in relationship to another person, it isn't about the individual--it's about the dyad. If one member of the dyad doesn't want to work toward keeping the relationship and the other does, whose choice has more power and influence? The one desiring to work to keep the relationship going cannot work alone to save the relationship because the partner is needed: it is a joint effort. The two created the relationship to, the two are needed to repair and continue the relationship. Such a relationship is dependent on both parties working together, not individually.

Taking a step back, gaining some perspective from being in the center, looking at this all from the sidelines, perhaps there is the bigger picture to consider. Not wanting to work on continuing the relationship neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Just as working on continuing the relationship is neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Neither choice is "what is for the best" because we are not in a position to truly know "what is for the best" for the future. We can only make an assumption that what we are doing will hopefully be for the best.

Wisdom from Joe and the Volcano

I think one of the greatest analogies regarding relationships (and it relates to life as well) comes from the movie Joe vs. the Volcano. As Joe begins his quest he realizes that "...there are certain times in your life when I guess you're not supposed to have anybody, you know? There are certain doors you have to go through alone." The time has come in our lives where we diverge and go on ahead without one another, that what lies ahead for us we are to continue the journey as individuals. Where the zigzag path goes does not matter--maybe it leads to the top of the volcano, maybe it just goes in circles. An ending is a new beginning--the unlimited possibilities unfurl, there is true freedom to be known, experienced.

In the depth of the sadness and sorrow I've gained a new awareness, that my pain is the raw material of the alchemist, that I can transform this grief and loss into love and healing and renewal. My heart is broken--and maybe my heart had to break so that it could let out all of the love that was bursting inside. The paradox is such, that indeed the most compassionate thing we can ever do for one another, the most loving, truly selfless act that we can do to honor one another is to let go of someone we love dearly. It takes courage (the literal meaning of courage is "heart") to be in this place.

Changes Ahead

Whether or not we change mindfully, with full intention and awareness, we change nonetheless. We might have more control, direction and insight if we choose to change with deliberation, purpose, and guidance. Change is its own agent, and often I think of it as doing as it damn well pleases--like it is a force of Nature and I'm just along for the ride. Maybe I have some influence on the impending changes that lie ahead, yet sometimes the best change comes after surrendering to allowing the "what will happen next" be followed by "..."