Changes Ahead

As the saying goes, "The cobbler's children go barefoot"

The irony of it all is, here I've spent the past 3 years of my life to become a marriage and family therapist, and yet my own marriage has reached "completition" (what a nice positive reframe). What does "completition" mean? It's just a nice way of saying "divorce". Divorce has acquired a particular connotation that has a lot of negativity surrounding it--not to deny that a marriage ending is a positive and happy event. It is not; it is arrived at after much pain and sorrow, grieving and mourning all of the hopes and dreams and visions of a lifelong future that will never manifest, never be realized with the one person that you had hoped would be there to share your life with.

Maybe my becoming a marriage and family therapist (though I consider myself a child and family therapist since I don't do couples counseling) has nothing to do with the success or failure of being married. Physicians still die from heart disease, still die from cancer, and surely die from all of those other preventable diseases that everyone else is subject to. Just because one is a trained and educated physician doesn't preclude them from dying like the rest of us. Likewise, my being educated and trained as a "relationship expert" doesn't mean that I will be an expert in my own relationships. Yet, I am feel highly ineffective as a therapist as a result. I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel like a success either.

But success and failure are relative terms. And they have to be considered in the context in which they are in existence. Since a marriage is all about being in a partnership and in relationship to another person, it isn't about the individual--it's about the dyad. If one member of the dyad doesn't want to work toward keeping the relationship and the other does, whose choice has more power and influence? The one desiring to work to keep the relationship going cannot work alone to save the relationship because the partner is needed: it is a joint effort. The two created the relationship to, the two are needed to repair and continue the relationship. Such a relationship is dependent on both parties working together, not individually.

Taking a step back, gaining some perspective from being in the center, looking at this all from the sidelines, perhaps there is the bigger picture to consider. Not wanting to work on continuing the relationship neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Just as working on continuing the relationship is neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Neither choice is "what is for the best" because we are not in a position to truly know "what is for the best" for the future. We can only make an assumption that what we are doing will hopefully be for the best.

Wisdom from Joe and the Volcano

I think one of the greatest analogies regarding relationships (and it relates to life as well) comes from the movie Joe vs. the Volcano. As Joe begins his quest he realizes that "...there are certain times in your life when I guess you're not supposed to have anybody, you know? There are certain doors you have to go through alone." The time has come in our lives where we diverge and go on ahead without one another, that what lies ahead for us we are to continue the journey as individuals. Where the zigzag path goes does not matter--maybe it leads to the top of the volcano, maybe it just goes in circles. An ending is a new beginning--the unlimited possibilities unfurl, there is true freedom to be known, experienced.

In the depth of the sadness and sorrow I've gained a new awareness, that my pain is the raw material of the alchemist, that I can transform this grief and loss into love and healing and renewal. My heart is broken--and maybe my heart had to break so that it could let out all of the love that was bursting inside. The paradox is such, that indeed the most compassionate thing we can ever do for one another, the most loving, truly selfless act that we can do to honor one another is to let go of someone we love dearly. It takes courage (the literal meaning of courage is "heart") to be in this place.

Changes Ahead

Whether or not we change mindfully, with full intention and awareness, we change nonetheless. We might have more control, direction and insight if we choose to change with deliberation, purpose, and guidance. Change is its own agent, and often I think of it as doing as it damn well pleases--like it is a force of Nature and I'm just along for the ride. Maybe I have some influence on the impending changes that lie ahead, yet sometimes the best change comes after surrendering to allowing the "what will happen next" be followed by "..."