Today I'm Still Just Me. Tomorrow I'll Be an M.A.

It's sinking into my brain that tomorrow morning I'll wake up, get ready to go to the Bastyr campus in Seattle toting my gown and hood with me and that this is the last day I'll just be me. On Tuesday when I go back to my internship I'll be able to sign my name followed by M.A. I'll no longer be a clinician intern. I'll be technically a therapist, but not licensed. Licensing is still many more years ahead of me.

For now, as I stand at the threshold, I ponder about the oddest things. One being is that John who started this journey with me will not be there for the moment I'm handed my ceremonial diploma. It speaks of how the journey I embarked on three years ago has physically and emotionally disconnected us.

My hope was that going into this field would strengthen my relationships--truly make me "a master" at understanding relationship dynamics and having some influence, skills, and ability to have happier, healthier and more satisfying relationships. I have the tools that I sought to acquire but still some of my relationships have been strained or blown apart. The losses are matched by gains. Members of my family that I hadn't spoken to in more than a decade are now part of my life and those relationships have taken root.

There is one new friendship that I have gained that has sustained me through the dark, difficult times. She was unable to continue the journey with me and our fellow classmates.The greater world would benefit from her keen mind, caring heart, and compassionately listening ears. When I think of how the only true friend I made from graduate school just so happens to be one of the few who wasn't able to continue on the same path. She continues her studies in a way that she can.

There were times where I doubted that I'd make it to this moment--not because of my surgeries and the complications--but that the experiences the program put me through took me to the edge of myself and stretched me out. I feel purged and renewed, yet still my same old self. I'm just more aware of my flaws, shadows, strengths, and powers. I feel more confident and assured, but I also feel more sorrow and sadness.

I put forth a prayer at the start of my second year to bring forth into my life all of those people who would join me on my journey to become a therapist. They have joined me and honed me. This prayer will continue and not expire until I draw my last breath for everyone I meet continues to hone and shape the becoming of myself. In turn I hone and shape them in their becoming.
 

The journey has been interesting; it feels most like a sacrifice. I have obtained something big, accomplished quite the achievement. I don't know what to make of it all just yet.