I asked my sister about my older brother's gift giving habits, and I came to realize that my brother and I got our signals crossed about gift exchanging. I believe what set me off are some issues from my FOO, and that the long-held rivalry between us was triggered on my end.

My mother fawned and swooned over my brother. Let's say that she had a reversed Oedipal complex toward him. She lavished him, doted on him, "sacrificed" for him, and so on. I think what pissed me off is I went overboard—sort of like my mother—because she instilled in me this sense of "I must give" and within my brother she instilled a sense of "I will take". To summarize, my brother was not taught to be generous, self-sacrificing, attentive to others, considerate, kind, etc.

I also wanted to impress my brother. I wanted to compete with his wealth. (By the way, I estimate his income to be between 500K or more per year.) I didn't want to look like I am just scraping by. I also felt that because he does have that kind of money that he could easily spend $100 and not miss it, whereas I will be paying off that $100 over the next year (or possibly my lifetime).

I think Ro's comment has some truth in it for me, that I put myself into making the gifts (or at least buying them) whereas they pointed and clicked. But, I also fear that it is like Wendy suggested, that his wife bought the gift and felt that this was adequate. I have issues with his wife—there was some tension created early on because of my mother—and just because tension happens.

When the moment is right, I'll call my brother and discuss this with him. My plan is to negotiate an amount we'll spend on each other for the holidays. That probably should have been done sooner, but in the moment stuff like that doesn't come up. It only comes to the surface when a pinch happens.

Pooky has been a jewel with getting the house in order while I struggle to reserve my energy for tomorrow's big cooking day. I hate feeling this way: unable to do normal, minial tasks, because they add up and then wipe me out. I have been experimenting with how much I can safely accomplish in a day without overwhelming myself, but yet doing something to increase my strength and stamina.

I'll try to remember to take lots of photos, especially of the roast. Screw the presents, the roast is actually the star of tomorrow. I do hope it will turn out the way I want it to!