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Litmus Test

I'm afraid as much as I like the south I'll never quite be an adopted southerner. There is one barrier I will not breech: sweet tea. I love iced tea. I drink it constantly. Here in the great PNW iced tea means brewed tea over ice--no sugar or lemon. You add these embellishments yourself.
I learned quick in North Carolina to ask for "unsweet tea" or else I'd be given what I describe as "caffeinated hummingbird nectar".

One bright Sunday morning we stopped at the local Bojangles for a try of their lunch food since we liked their breakfast biscuit offerings. John got a refill of sweet tea because he didn't want to get the unsweet by going up to the counter. I thought I'd be brave and try a sip of it since people say that Bojangle's sweet tea is one of the best.

I choked. I sputtered. I proclaimed: This taste like a frosted flake with added sugar! Oh my god! It's liquid frosted flakes!

Much to my amazement John agreed! He did say there was a frosted flake quality to the tea.

It occurred to me at that moment as much as I might integrate into the south one day, perhaps even taking on a bit of a drawl, and maybe even acquiring a taste for other such local culinary favorites (everyone says frog's legs are delicious), I do not see in my future any ability to stomach sweet tea.

It's sinking into my brain that tomorrow morning I'll wake up, get ready to go to the Bastyr campus in Seattle toting my gown and hood with me and that this is the last day I'll just be me. On Tuesday when I go back to my internship I'll be able to sign my name followed by M.A. I'll no longer be a clinician intern. I'll be technically a therapist, but not licensed. Licensing is still many more years ahead of me.

For now, as I stand at the threshold, I ponder about the oddest things. One being is that John who started this journey with me will not be there for the moment I'm handed my ceremonial diploma. It speaks of how the journey I embarked on three years ago has physically and emotionally disconnected us.

My hope was that going into this field would strengthen my relationships--truly make me "a master" at understanding relationship dynamics and having some influence, skills, and ability to have happier, healthier and more satisfying relationships. I have the tools that I sought to acquire but still some of my relationships have been strained or blown apart. The losses are matched by gains. Members of my family that I hadn't spoken to in more than a decade are now part of my life and those relationships have taken root.

There is one new friendship that I have gained that has sustained me through the dark, difficult times. She was unable to continue the journey with me and our fellow classmates.The greater world would benefit from her keen mind, caring heart, and compassionately listening ears. When I think of how the only true friend I made from graduate school just so happens to be one of the few who wasn't able to continue on the same path. She continues her studies in a way that she can.

There were times where I doubted that I'd make it to this moment--not because of my surgeries and the complications--but that the experiences the program put me through took me to the edge of myself and stretched me out. I feel purged and renewed, yet still my same old self. I'm just more aware of my flaws, shadows, strengths, and powers. I feel more confident and assured, but I also feel more sorrow and sadness.

I put forth a prayer at the start of my second year to bring forth into my life all of those people who would join me on my journey to become a therapist. They have joined me and honed me. This prayer will continue and not expire until I draw my last breath for everyone I meet continues to hone and shape the becoming of myself. In turn I hone and shape them in their becoming.
 

The journey has been interesting; it feels most like a sacrifice. I have obtained something big, accomplished quite the achievement. I don't know what to make of it all just yet.

As the saying goes, "The cobbler's children go barefoot"

The irony of it all is, here I've spent the past 3 years of my life to become a marriage and family therapist, and yet my own marriage has reached "completition" (what a nice positive reframe). What does "completition" mean? It's just a nice way of saying "divorce". Divorce has acquired a particular connotation that has a lot of negativity surrounding it--not to deny that a marriage ending is a positive and happy event. It is not; it is arrived at after much pain and sorrow, grieving and mourning all of the hopes and dreams and visions of a lifelong future that will never manifest, never be realized with the one person that you had hoped would be there to share your life with.

Maybe my becoming a marriage and family therapist (though I consider myself a child and family therapist since I don't do couples counseling) has nothing to do with the success or failure of being married. Physicians still die from heart disease, still die from cancer, and surely die from all of those other preventable diseases that everyone else is subject to. Just because one is a trained and educated physician doesn't preclude them from dying like the rest of us. Likewise, my being educated and trained as a "relationship expert" doesn't mean that I will be an expert in my own relationships. Yet, I am feel highly ineffective as a therapist as a result. I don't feel like a failure, I don't feel like a success either.

But success and failure are relative terms. And they have to be considered in the context in which they are in existence. Since a marriage is all about being in a partnership and in relationship to another person, it isn't about the individual--it's about the dyad. If one member of the dyad doesn't want to work toward keeping the relationship and the other does, whose choice has more power and influence? The one desiring to work to keep the relationship going cannot work alone to save the relationship because the partner is needed: it is a joint effort. The two created the relationship to, the two are needed to repair and continue the relationship. Such a relationship is dependent on both parties working together, not individually.

Taking a step back, gaining some perspective from being in the center, looking at this all from the sidelines, perhaps there is the bigger picture to consider. Not wanting to work on continuing the relationship neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Just as working on continuing the relationship is neither a good or bad thing, it just is. Neither choice is "what is for the best" because we are not in a position to truly know "what is for the best" for the future. We can only make an assumption that what we are doing will hopefully be for the best.

Wisdom from Joe and the Volcano

I think one of the greatest analogies regarding relationships (and it relates to life as well) comes from the movie Joe vs. the Volcano. As Joe begins his quest he realizes that "...there are certain times in your life when I guess you're not supposed to have anybody, you know? There are certain doors you have to go through alone." The time has come in our lives where we diverge and go on ahead without one another, that what lies ahead for us we are to continue the journey as individuals. Where the zigzag path goes does not matter--maybe it leads to the top of the volcano, maybe it just goes in circles. An ending is a new beginning--the unlimited possibilities unfurl, there is true freedom to be known, experienced.

In the depth of the sadness and sorrow I've gained a new awareness, that my pain is the raw material of the alchemist, that I can transform this grief and loss into love and healing and renewal. My heart is broken--and maybe my heart had to break so that it could let out all of the love that was bursting inside. The paradox is such, that indeed the most compassionate thing we can ever do for one another, the most loving, truly selfless act that we can do to honor one another is to let go of someone we love dearly. It takes courage (the literal meaning of courage is "heart") to be in this place.

Changes Ahead

Whether or not we change mindfully, with full intention and awareness, we change nonetheless. We might have more control, direction and insight if we choose to change with deliberation, purpose, and guidance. Change is its own agent, and often I think of it as doing as it damn well pleases--like it is a force of Nature and I'm just along for the ride. Maybe I have some influence on the impending changes that lie ahead, yet sometimes the best change comes after surrendering to allowing the "what will happen next" be followed by "..."

Last night I was devoting some time to the topic of my mother as I tried to fall asleep. I haven't spoken to her since last April. She hasn't attempted to contact me, either. It wasn't that there was a major event that led to the non-communication, unless I consider all of the year since my birth culminating into a major event. I have grown tired of her behavior and even though I strongly suspect she has borderline personality disorder, I have still grown tired of her behavior and having to deal with her.

Yet, I know that eventually I will have to deal with her. I do want to deal with her. I want to say something to her, only when I try to "get clear" on what I want to say there's a flood gate that opens and I could keep saying to her for quite a long time.

There is one issue I keep returning to. When I was dealing with the complications from my surgery in 2005 I had a conversation with her in which she told me that she "wouldn't lose her house" to assist me in any way. She had informed me of this before when I was a teenager and dealing with my illness troubles back then.

I estimate that if she sold her house she could get $250,000 for it. She might even be able to eke out $275,000, but only if she invested in taking care of some of the problems the house has. Be that as it may, what this tells me is she considers me to be worth under $250,000.

Well, this got me to thinking. Just how much have I cost in medical expenses during my lifetime? Obviously to keep me alive there has been a lot of money spent to provide me with surgeries, medical supplies, hospitalizations, etc. I tried to figure out how much it has all added up to be over the years.

My best estimate is that some where in the neighborhood of $1 million dollars has been spent to keep me alive. My estimate is based only upon hospitalizations and major medical procedures and known amounts for prescriptions. I made my best guesses for operations and additional minor procedures. Even if I am not very close to the actual amount, the reality is: It has cost a sizable chunk of money to keep me functional and alive.

In realizing how my medical care over the years equates into "real dollars" I feel a bit special—that I am worth at least 4 of my mother's homes. I say this all tongue-in-cheek because we all know that the real value of someone's life is like the ending of those MasterCard commercials: priceless. And that's the point my mother doesn't get in all of this.

What I've tried to do is reframe the issue and put a different perspective on how to look at the situation. How do I convey to someone like her the impact she has had on my life, when she is the type of person who is oblivious to how she impacts another person? What frustrates and saddens me is that I do not know how to communicate to her all that I think and feel so that she will hear me.

Bottom line also for me is: She is not someone that I would consider being friends with. If I had no biological relationship to her she would not be someone I would be friends with. Though we share commonalities, I doubt we'd ever discover what they are because how she shows up and presents herself is not what attracts or interests me in wanting to get to know another person. And yet I know I cannot escape her because I carry within me part of her genes.

While I won't be graduating with my MA until December 2007, I've already started thinking about "what happens next?" once I graduate. Prior to starting my degree I learned about Medical Family Therapy and held in the back of my mind the idea of seeking credentials in this area of specialization for Marriage & Family Therapy. I know that SPU in Seattle offers a two year certification program that would require a one-year internship. After reviewing the program I realized that it wouldn't make a lot of sense to invest money and time for an additional two years to only get certification.

So I've been searching for other MedFT programs and today I found a doctoral program at East Carolina University in Greenville, North Carolina. It's a new program, started in 2005. It's a three year program and does require an internship. According to the information I've been able to read on the website, it looks like they have internship placements. That would be a relief. They also offer scholarships and have information regarding graduate assistantships. The assistantship would mean I'd have to do student teaching or some kind of work in the department while working on my degree.

Yet, if I had to pay for tuition the cost isn't too bad. I'm sure that there would be a way to get most, if not all, of my tuition covered.The program requires I take the GRE. I need to get a combined score of 1450 or better. I think I can do that. I'll need to brush up on my math and attempt to recall algebra. (ugh!) I will need to submit a sample of my professional writing. I'm sure they are wanting to see all of the journal articles I've published. But they will accept a thesis if available, and if not that, then a written statement of why I want a PhD in MedFT.

They only accept about 10 people a year into the program. Did I mention they take only about 7 full-time students and 3 part-time? I wonder how many applications they receive. The soonest I could matriculate into the program would be 2008 if I calculate it correctly. Granted I'm one of those lucky 10 people.

Now I've been thinking if going into a doctoral program ASAP is better than waiting. Waiting for what? I was thinking I'd get into working, get myself out and about in the real world of being a therapist. I suppose I could do that part-time at an agency. I know that we have a doctoral student who volunteers at my agency while she is working on her degree. Why can't I do that and everything else?

A bonus would be is that my student loans would go into deferment while I'm in the program. It would suck if I had to take out more loans. Then there is the moving to Greenville area, but the bonus is that I have my brother and his family nearby.

Pooky has said to start the ball rolling, of prepping for the GRE exam and see how that goes. One thing at a time. Meanwhile, I'll start putting out feelers with some of my professors at school. There's only one PhD on staff. He just so happens to be my Pro-Sem leader. I'll have to pick his brain. See if he can offer some guidance in what I need to do to apply for and get accepted to a PhD program.

What is a real hoot is I was looking at ECU's other doctoral programs. If I don't get accepted into their MedFT program, I could realistically apply for the following programs:

• Anatomy and Cell Biology
  
• Biochemistry and Molecular Biology
  
• Biological Sciences
  
• Microbiology and Immunology
  
• Rehabilitation Counseling and Administration

I'm not eligible to apply for the PhD in Physiology because I lack calculus and physical chemistry. I think it's weird that I could go into these biology-based programs. I've put out of my mind my undergraduate days of biology. I have to remind myself that I have one year of graduate studies in biology, too. Heck, I was in the naturopathic physician's program for one quarter which is "double" medical school.

What kind of career would I have with a PhD in MedFT? Well, I know I'd be the director or head of "whatever" because the program says it will train me to be in the role of administrator of a clinic. Which means I'd get paid better than just having an MA. It looks like on average that having a PhD will mean I earn at least $15,000 more per year than just having an MA. That's comparing the maximum someone with an MA could expect to earn compared to the least someone with a PhD could expect to earn. Best case scenario is that having a PhD would earn me double than just having an MA.

Extra bonuses about Greenville, NC. It has a Fuddrucker's and Cracker Barrel!

I still have to brew this over in my mind, talk to more people, see what all unfurls regarding this.

I was looking in an old notebook, the small kind I keep at my desk and fill full of little bits of information, perhaps a recipe, phone messages, odds and ends. In the midst of the grocery lists and things to-do, I found this poem I wrote based upon a dream I had:

We have traveled
this journey
outside the fence
around the house.
The gate is swung open
inviting the weary
traveller in.
Pass through,
walk up the steps
and knock on
the door.
Welcome.
At last you've come home.

Today the Washington State Supreme Court upheld the ban on same-sex marriage. In the statements released as to why the court ruled in favor of upholding the law, I take issue with this written by Justice Barbara Madsen:

There also is no violation of the state due process clause. DOMA bears a reasonable relationship to legitimate state interests--procreation and child-rearing. (DOMA = Defense of Marriage Act)

Same-sex couples are permitted to adopt children, serve as foster parents, and through the process of surrogates and/or natural methods, same-sex couples can have their own biological offspring. It's all right to be a homosexual parent, but not all right to be a homosexual spouse.

I get sensitive about the whole marriage/procreation issue as I am very passionate about reproductive freedom—that choosing to become a parent or not is one of those unalienable rights that were endowed to us by our Creator (see the Declaration of Independence).

I cannot eloquently articulate just how disappointed I am with this decision. The rationale to justify legal discrimination boggles my mind.

It looks like I'll continue to attend rallies at the state capital with the Religious Coalition for Equality. (Going to my first rally in 2005 was one of the most incredible experiences I've ever had of a public religious and spiritual nature)

I don't watch regular TV very often, but the other day Pooky and I were watching The Simpsons or something and a Burger King commercial came on promoting their new Texas Double Whopper and the theme of this commercial had to do with a bunch of modern-day guys tired of "chic" food, and they proceeded to stage a 1970s-like feminist rebellion against all of the "healthier" fast food choices. There is a scene in the commercial where the guys tip over a vehicle and a disclaimer flashes on the bottom of the screen: DO NOT ATTEMPT.

I suppose if you are crazy enough to eat this double whopper of death, then maybe you do need to be told not to tip over vehicles. But I was thinking a step further. What BK should also tell these young men who are in need of showing their maniless through the over consumption of calories and fat is this: A king-sized meal consisting of the said double whopper of death, fries, and regular Coke weighs in at 1,980 calories! The standard allotment of calories for a man is about 2,000-2,500 per DAY, not per MEAL. I won't even discuss the fat percentage.

OK, so the typical guy won't care about calories. Only women count calories. Yeah, but what are they going to do when they get adult onset diabetes or heart disease or heaven forbid, both, and then suffer from erectile dysfunction? Will they want to sue Burger King for selling them food that (they chose to ate) made their dick limp? Will the BK commercials in ten years show the same men, now morbidly obese, promoting healthier food so that they might actually have sex without the need for Viagra?

Or am I missing the entire point—that being since there are drugs like Viagra it doesn't matter what is eaten because a pill will rescue us. Everyone supposedly profits in the end, even the lowly consumer, but I think it is a false benefit.

I'm not against fast food. As I'm typing this I've eaten a cheeseburger and fries from my favorite local joint, but I don't order the mega-burger of death. It could be that I need to be a guy to understand the need to eat a double whopper of death. All I know is, if I had a penis I'd do what I needed to to keep it working!

I'm feeling overly saturated by reading too many blogs. I spend too much time blogging. I may as well be a cyborg.

The darn thing is, one thing I've learned about running my own business is that people expect rapid-fire responses to their e-mails, because typically the first person they hear back from is the person they hire. There is no such thing as waiting a reasonable amount of time for a reply. The typical endurance of people has gotten to be under an hour!

No wonder we are driving ourselves batty. When there is a lack of patience then there is frustration. Frustration is the cousin of anger and rage.

Take a breath. Breathe deep. Relax. Patience.

I need to take a journey into patience. I feel tightly wound, non-productive, un-motivated, and smothered. It's all self-imposed. I'm not required to read anyone's blog, but I enjoy the visiting of far-away friends because I don't have anyone locally I can see each day or thereabouts.

I need some seclusion time. Time to read. Time to finish painting the cabinets that I started back in December! Time to seek an internship in earnest. Time to write portions of the novel Pooky has asked me to write. And so on...

Maybe just a few days will make the difference. I won't feel so "blogged" down (ha! a pun!) and will feel more zestful if I take a vacation from the blogosphere? Until later then...

P.S. You can use this time to explore my ARCHIVES! Sadly, a portion of my blog was forever lost, and there is a whole bunch of stuff I haven't uploaded that is from 2003, but there's a goodly amount to sift through.

I've been trying to come up with some ideas about how to celebrate our anniversary next month as I don't care to spend a couple hundred $$ on a gourmet meal, as for me food passes out in about 4 hours and I'd like to do something that will last longer than the next bowel movement, so I've been trying to come up with ideas in which Pooky and I might do something different.

Pooky isn't of a romantic nature, so my requests for such things, as I have learned, meets with about as much enthusiasm as being told you need a root canal.

Since Pooky has been working on writing a novel, I thought a writer's workshop would be just the thing. Only they run expensive! So I thought I'd look at our local community college and sure enough, they offer some classes, and reasonable prices, too! Darn thing is, classes are already in session, but should resume in April. Sounds like a plan to me!

While I was looking into the continuing education offerings I found that there is a community orchestra! No audtions required, and all you need is high school playing experience, which I have, so all I need to do is find out how much a monthly cello rental will cost! I could be making music again in just a few weeks!

I've been thinking about getting back into making music, but it is hard to practice and be musical in isolation, and I so enjoy being in an orchestra and greating an awesome sound! I have tons of music books that I bough about 6 years ago when I took up the cello after a 10 year hiatus. Lots of beginner's stuff to refresh my ability to read music, etc.

*Zing! Zing * I am psyched about the idea of playing cello again! I just hope that the rental is reasonable. Before I was able to rent a cello for about $30 a month, which is totally affordable. I believe I still have my music tuner, but will need to get some rosin, and somewhere I still have my end-pin holder (sometimes referred to as donut).

Since we have hardwood floors the end-pin will not stay in place and will scratch the floor, thus the need for a stopper for it. What's even more cool is that the college is within walking distance of our house (a good reason for me to start building my strength back up).

I've come to life with the idea of it! Thinking leads to stuff! But this is the good kind of stuff! Oh, I do hope this will work out! I really would enjoy doing this!